


Who on hell wants to be Mrs. Edelstein?

by Diante



Series: Wenn ich dein Spiegel wär [11]
Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Austria is a Dick, F/M, Fictional interview manuscript, Hetalia Countries Using Human Names, M/M, Top Austria, Violent Austria, bossy Austria
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-11
Updated: 2020-07-11
Packaged: 2021-03-05 02:02:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,305
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25206667
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Diante/pseuds/Diante
Summary: As the divorce of Ms. Héderváry and Mr. Edelstein came to light, the unknown side under Austria’s bright image have aroused heated discussion. What made Austria a target? Have the bedroom diplomacy lasting hundreds of years pleased the mates’ heart besides body? Through fragmentary interviews we tried to piece together a more realistic image of Austria and find out the answer to Ms. Héderváry’s question in the divorce declaration, that is, who on hell wants to be Mrs. Edelstein?
Relationships: Austria/Bavaria (Hetalia), Austria/Brandenburg (Hetalia), Austria/Czech Republic (Hetalia), Austria/Germany (Hetalia), Austria/Hungary (Hetalia), Austria/Prussia (Hetalia), Austria/Saxony (Hetalia), Austria/Spain (Hetalia)
Series: Wenn ich dein Spiegel wär [11]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1785274
Comments: 5
Kudos: 6





	Who on hell wants to be Mrs. Edelstein?

**Author's Note:**

> Modern technology Au set up (which means mobile phone could exsist).  
> Names:  
> Petra - Czech  
> Andrej - Slovakia  
> Leopold - Bavaria  
> Abrecht - Saxony  
> Hartwin - Brandenburg

It's an English translation of [究竟谁想当埃德尔斯坦太太——众人口中的奥地利](https://origin.projectstardust.org/works/24603865).

* * *

It is said that Austria is the originator of _winning the world by marriage_. In those year, the slogan _let others make wars, thou happy Austria, marry_ spread all over the continent, and so Roderich Edelstein’s _bedroom diplomacy_ came to the public for the first time. Undoubtedly Austria’s strategy was successful, and the 300-year-old Holy Roman throne was beyond the reach of other jealous electors. However, with the collapse of Österreich-Ungarn, comments on Austria’s poor intercourse decorum and lifestyle were disclosed by major media in Central and Eastern Europe. Then people can’t help but sigh: you never know how much dirt is hidden under the gorgeous appearance.

As the divorce of Ms. Héderváry and Mr. Edelstein came to light, the unknown side under Austria’s bright image have aroused heated discussion. What made Austria a target? Have the _bedroom diplomacy_ lasting hundreds of years pleased the mates’ heart besides body? From Castle Hill of Budapest to the beer house in Munich, and then Potsdam and Madrid, we interviewed Edelstein’s ex-wife, fater, colleagues, subordinates and long-time-ago husband. Some of them were the witnesses of Austria’s life before losing his public image, and some were companions of more ancient times. Through fragmentary interviews we tried to piece together a more realistic image of Austria and find out the answer to Ms. Héderváry’s question in the divorce declaration, that is, _who on hell wants to be Mrs. Edelstein_?

However, when finishing all interviews, the reporter realized all these materials was far from what is called as true Austria, but apparently the answer to the question is in the air.

**Review**

**Héderváry Erzsébet: I’ll never sleep in the same room with him again.**

“I can’t live with him anymore,” Austria’s ex-wife told the reporter wearily on Budapest’s Castle Hill, “The decision to divorce was not an impulse. The idea had come to my mind long time ago. It was the accumulated rancour drove me to do so.”

Erzsébet had been in Vienna for two hundred and nineteen years by the day she left Holfburg . “It was only a year to go, to two hundred and twenty. Oh, but not counting the days before I was taken away by Ottoman.” Said Erzsébet. In Holfburg, the palace as magnificent as Austria himself, Erzsébet assumed she was the one who’s had the most sex with him. “From dualistic reorganization to the Great War, no exceptions, he slept with me every night as long as he was there. And time before that he also had sex with me. What impressed me most happened in 1849, when the revolution was in the most violent moment, he came specifically to me that day. Now I still have no idea how dared he do that!”

“He was savage in bed, completely different from what he usually showed to people.” Erzsébet recalled that she had been bitten on the shoulder and clavicle for several times. When talking about the reasons, she said with a smile, “Well, I must admit that he was an astonishing freak. Can you imagine that he hadn’t washed one piece of clothes at home? The towels, clothes, which he had used, he scattered them everywhere on the floor and stepped on if there was no one to pick them up. I couldn’t stand it, indeed. However, he had a good attitude of admitting his mistakes. Once I pointed out how heinous his behavior was, he told me right away that he was wrong, and he would change, he guaranteed. But ridiculously it would still be the same next time, I mean towels, clothes, and the promise he made with all his heart. What happened next? I pointed out again, and he apologized again, with better attitude. Then it came to me that actually he just wanted to appease me for a while, and was even absent-minded when he made those apologies. He’d been skilled for it. Stupid was I! I should have seen it earlier!”

“He’d been dressed up every time he went out. So, who would believe what I said? It was just like…like who would believe that I’m a Kingdom without a King but with an Admiral as the Regent? After all, I even do not have a sea! Well, I will not sleep with him in a room anymore, no matter having sex or not. Damn it, who on hell wants to be Mrs. Edelstein?”

Before leaving, the reporter noticed the unhealed bite on Erzsébet’s neck and asked if it was done by Austria. She denied, covering two crimson blood holes with her hands.

_(Pictured: Ms. Héderváry calling for a divorce at Heldenplatz)_

**Ex-concubine:**

**He asked me to moan in German.**

When interviewed in Prague, the one who opened the door for us was Slovakia, with whom Czech lived after leaving Vienna. “Andrej is fine. He is gentle and considerate. You asked me about Austria? Why shall I put them in comparison? He’s far beneath Andrej.”

Petra admitted that she’d been one of Austria’s mates since the beginning of the 16th century. “It was a time when he was very young, almost as tall as me. He was polite, always called me dear elder sister Czech, and he behaved well.” Said Petra, with a staring at the side window for a long time, until the reporter turned his attention there, too. “Well, up to half of the window, I mean his height.” Said Petra suddenly.

Recalling Austria’s performance behind the public, Petra shook her head. She told the reporter that there used to be many people lived in Vienna’s harem, including Hungary, Slovakia and the countries which make up Yugoslavia now. “Hungary was his favorite, and I was the second. The reason maybe that we are women. Women are docile, I mean, in his eyes.”

Petra was talkative while Andrej was silent. Rather than telling his story, Slovakia preferred to pace around the room, getting up every few minutes to add water to our cups on the table or to walk around the hallway.

“I believe Austria had slept with Andrej for some time. But he might not like someone much taller than him. There used to be a close relationship between he and Russia before the dualistic reshuffle. Probably having sex with a tall Slavic reminded him of unpleasant memories.” During one of Andrej’s departure, Petra said.

Petra defined life in Holfburg Palace, which belonged to hers and all the other Cisleithania’ in terms of depression. “In Translethania Hungary asked them to speak Magyar, which we didn’t have to do under Austria’s rule. However, when he fucked us, he asked me to moan in German. How absurd!”

**Holy Roman Empire where Austria used to work in**

> The Holy Roman Empire is an empire that has been disintegrated for more than 100 years. Turning marriage into a political dividend began with Rudolph I. Of Rudolph I's six daughters, two were married to the Duke of Bavaria, one to the Duke of Saxony, one to the Earl of Brandenburg, one to be queen of Bohemia and one to be Queen of Hungary. In addition to three unmarried Archbishops, the four secular Electors were equally stained by Austria. (Note: Palatinate Principality was ruled by Bavarian Marquis in the 13th century).
> 
> _(Pictured: Portrait of Rudolph I)_
> 
> **Father: Neither a good vassal, nor a good Emperor; neither a good son, nor a good husband.**
> 
> In Munich, Austria’s father Bavaria, who had appeared to be very excited when heard our intention in the earlier call, received the reporter in a beer hall. “His scandal should have been exposed earlier.” He said on the phone.
> 
> “The first time I was fucked by him was in 1648, when the Thirty Year’s War was just over.” The light in the beer hall was dim and it was reported that there had been a riot here a week ago. Leopold reminded the reporter to be careful of the debris under the table. “On that day, he said he wanted to see me. So I went to him. And what surprised me was that he was going to fuck me.”
> 
> “How could I let him fuck me? I’m his father! But he said I was a new Elector, and the original ones were not willing to engage with him for various reasons, in my opinion mostly due to his bad behavior in bed. I told him to reflect on the reason, but he said ‘in a word, it’s Austria’s time now, and the aura of Holy Roman Empire can’t shine farther away’.”
> 
> The beer hall had been doing well in Munich, but no pedestrians turned their head for a beer during the hour of interview. “It’s all because of the riot. Too disordered. This world is too disordered, broken and mad!” After drinking a bunch of beer, Leopold talked about his first sex experience with top Austria. Austria, he told the reporter, said he planned to consolidate its power outward with himself as the center, and that Bavaria who borders with him was obviously to bear the burnt. “He said no one could disobey the Emperor. Ja, he even called himself “the Emperor” in front of me. Additionally, he said that if I didn’t give in, he would fuck those Archbishops, maybe Cologne. How could I get him to fuck Cologne? So I slept with him. Bastard Austria, he was really bad at doing this, just like what Saxony had said, “a mad dog who’d been hungry for several days and saw meat”. Ah, and not long after he ended, he drove me away. I said it hurt so much that I had to stay in bed longer, but complained I occupied his sleeping place.”
> 
> When he learnt the reporter only wanted to hear his evaluation from a father’s point of view, Leopold stooped sharing his bad memories about being fucked by Austria, and after a long pause he slowly said, “He is neither a good vassal, nor a good Emperor; neither a good son, nor a good husband.”
> 
> As he said theses words, Leopold pressed on his cell phone. On the lock screen, Austria as a child rides on the shoulder of young Leopold.
> 
> _(Pictured: Leopold’s lock screen, defocus photography)_
> 
> **Colleagues: He bit others. He didn’t care how others felt.**
> 
> Abrecht Von Wettin (Note: Despite the abolition of the aristocracy, Saxony asked the reporter to add a “Von” in his name.), from Dresden, said Austria’s biggest shortcoming in making love was biting. “Our first practice was in 16th century. He was only up to my chest. But he lay down on his stomach over me and bit me, making me bleed.”
> 
> “I have long hair, thus he liked to pull my hair from the back. I told him not to do so and I’d cooperate with him to make the pose he wanted. He agreed readily, but still pulled it.” Said Abrecht.
> 
> “Once Bavaria came to me and complained about how Austria subverted his perception, and then I went to Austria. I told him, ‘You are never a novice. You’ve been fucked by so many, and you have mastered a lot skills.’ Guess what he said? He said it was not his duty to please us, because no one had pleased him when fucking him as a diplomatic business. I’m the one who watch him growing up, besides Bavaria. I’d like to say that he has changed so much over the past few hundred years.” In Abrecht’s house there was a photo in a prominent position, which could be recognized as a proof for “watching Austria growing up”. In the photo, Leopold and Abrecht both put one hand on young Austria’s shoulder.
> 
> After each election of Holy Roman Emperor, the elected Austria would gather secular Electors to drink together and have a good night. Brandenburg, another Elector said that alcohol made Austria more violent. “He didn’t care at all what I said. I suspected he didn’t understand North German. Nein, sir, I’m joking. Austria is proficient in all the languages of the continent.” Said Hartwin, who lives in Potsdam and has led a secluded life since renamed the Kingdom of Prussia in 1701. It seemed that this city, because of its proximity to Berlin, has better order that that in Dresden and Munich. Hartwin took out a wine made in 1415 to entertain the reporter.
> 
> “I miss Hohenzollern much…Ja, now get down to business. You should know that Austria is always fucked by others，therefore he is well skilled. But he never used his skills when fucking others, you can't get a kiss or touch when being fucked by him. Shortly after losing his crown, Luxembourg passed by my home and remind me to be careful of Austria, saying that he was no longer the charming Ostmark. I didn’t get it at first, because I didn’t believe he would change much.”
> 
> “My father Abrecht Von Wettin and his father Leopold were old friends, and I’m about the same age as Austria. Well, I still remember that he was brought to my house to play sand with me by his father in the 13th century…Who could have thought he’d become like this? Soon after Luxembourg left, I was called on to Austria. Really, I was completely shocked. Since then I have wondered how long he could wear this crown. I didn’t expect him to wear it for so long, as is known to you.” Hartwin was indignant about life in Holy Roman Empire. He also told the reporter that Prussia, who lived with him, was also suffering from Austria, “It was in 1701…”
> 
> He stopped abruptly.

**Allies**

> **The unspeakable pain of the Empire of iron and blood**
> 
> “It was in 1701. Really, I regret it.” After saying goodbye to Hartwin, the reporter met with Prussia, Mr. Gilbert Beilschmidt. Due to the fall of German Empire and the abolition of kingdom of Prussia, Mr. Beilschmidt looked very weak. He was lying in a bed when the reporter came in.
> 
> “It was the first time I intervened in affairs of the Holy Roman Empire. In return, Austria gave recognition of my crown. But at that time, I didn’t know contentment and asked for more rewards…”
> 
> What occurred that day was like a nightmare in Gilbert’s description. He put his hands on his face and said intermittently that in 1701, when he had heard enough gossip about Austria’s _bedroom internal affairs_ besides _bedroom diplomacy_ , he threatened Austria to give him the special reward.
> 
> “However, later on…Ugh…” After two sighs, Gilbert patted the bed and sat up. The reporter told him not to force himself, but after stopping for a while, he finally let out the whole unspeakable story, “He fucked me, and it hurt so much. I couldn’t believe it. I asked how could a reward be so painful. Then he told me a knight, of which I played the role at that time, should endure all kinds of pain for him. I was persuaded. Ah, why was I persuaded? He was always able to speak whatever excuse he wanted for more than 200 years, even to these days.”
> 
> “He suggested I should feel honored, because I was having sex with the Emperor, by whom it was a great honor to be fucked. I didn’t enjoy it at all in the first practice, but soon he fucked me again. And then it didn’t take him long time to drive me away. Well, fortunately I revenged after 40 years.” Said Gilbert sitting on the bed, coughing from time to time. The reporter noticed a piece of black silk cloth exposed in the corner of the wall. With a permission, the reporter checked it. It was a dusty flag of the Kingdom of Prussia huddled in debris.
> 
> _(Pictured: The flag of Gilbert’s fallen Kingdom)_
> 
> **Chaotic childhood in Schloss Schönbrunn**
> 
> Farewell to Potsdam, came to berlin, and met with the Weimar Republic. Ludwig had been in Schloss Schönbrunn, Vienna for a long time when he was the German Confederation. The Republic’s economy was bad after the Great War, therefore Ludwig was kind of tired, and had shallow dark eye circles.
> 
> “He has not fucked me.” This was the first thing Ludwig told the reporter, with an insist tone. He then told a lot of old time stories. When asked if he had fucked Austria, Ludwig nodded.
> 
> “But he hasn’t fucked me. Then…Ja, I can imagine it. It’s probable for him to do those things when having sex with people.” Ludwig thought for a while and gave a positive answer to the biting situation said by Abrecht and others.
> 
> “I’ve never seen Mr. Edelstein cleaned his room. It was not his thing. Well, but he really cared about his personal image. He would check himself in front of the mirror for so long before going out.” In Ludwig’s description, a vivid Austria to be an Apple of Sodom sprang on the paper. In addition to never cleaning his room as Erzsébet mentioned, Ludwig gave other evidence: Austria did not wear trousers in front of him as a child, and often walked barefoot around the room; Austria called his allies to his bedroom which were shared with Ludwig at that time to have sex and let Ludwig live in the small dark room next door.
> 
> “He never told me the reason for what he did. In this way, he really did not care about others’ feelings. I’ve already learnt that in the war, but I hope I had noticed it earlier.” Said Ludwig, shaking his head sadly, “I was too slow of understanding. Also, it was a challenge to be an ally with him. He’d talk a lot and frighten you by his momentum, but if you think it twice, you’d find most of what he said was all wrong.”
> 
> When the reporter asked for more information, Ludwig ended the talk on the grounds of negotiating political affairs with America.

**The lost Habsburg Empire**

**Spain: I expected that.**

> It was a long way from Berlin to Madrid. The reporter found Antonio Fernández Carriedo in the Palacio Real de Madrid. The old marriage partner, who had long been divorced from Habsburg, gave a Spaniard smile when talking about Austria, “He had a strong sense of control and wanted to have the whole world in his hands. But the world wouldn't be locked. Such an outcome would have been expected. If there is no bird in a beautiful cage, no one will appreciate the cage. Ah, he must be suffering when he did that.”
> 
> “Is he intolerable? I don’t think so. We got married in 1519, when I hadn’t had any experience about sex. I could feel his urgency in bed, but he was trying to be restrained.” Antonio laughed again when told about the terrible behavior in bed the other mentioned.
> 
> “Yes, he bit me, seldom kissed me, gave little attention to my reaction, rudely thrust in me…however, those things never bothered me. It’s OK, indeed. I knew him well. He didn’t believe what he had would lose. He was obstinately trying to grab tightly things he owned, held them, kept them from going away. It’s OK. At that time we were young and happy, there was no wine untasted, no song unsung.” Said Antonio. He had no intention of talking more past things, but was obviously happy about the reporter’s visit.
> 
> On the wall of Antonio’s bedroom is a map of the world in 1898. “I had a lot as well back then.” He scratched the back of his head and explained as noticed the reporter looking at the map, “That is the reason why I don’t change the map.”
> 
> _(Pictured: The map in Antonio’s room)_


End file.
